Internet Dating No Shit Sherlocks

Internet Dating No Shit Sherlocks:
Don’t say:
you’re looking for love – no kidding? So are most single people, that’s why they went online
can go from jeans to little black dress- Everyone says it, few can do it with panache
you love laughter - really? Wow, whodda thunk it?
your life is a mess – wonderful, can I have some too?
Be wallowing in dating pity, of all that MEN have done to you – I know, It’s always the man’s fault (but when we read this, we are thinking: I know It’s always someone ELSE’S fault, for you). We don’t care about your ex, and the things he did badly. We are not him.
Say “Don’t contact me, if you’re only looking to screw” – classy; great first impression

Remember:
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a smile is a novel
Show a picture of a whip, if you want your men to grovel
If you hate to camp, show a bikini and hair dryer
Creative subtleties work better, than being thought a liar
Don’t have more pictures, of your dogs than of you
Or expressions that suggest dating, is the last thing you want to do.

Repetition breeds contempt, for nearly every profile the above proclaims,
For every-day seekers, there’s more important things to name;
How did the journey of life, bring you to here?
What did you learn, and what do you fear?
Adventurous is generic, sky-diving is not.
It matters so little, how well you stir the pot.
Grounded in reality, with dreams to ice the cake,
top off your own make up, lack of powder won’t make you quake.
A glimpse of true you is worth a hundred clichés,
for no one is perfect, and we actually like your little frays.
If your desire is communicator, your profile should have more than twenty words
and its really not “cute”, to use “dorky” or “nerd”.

***
Met an “Internet Gem”, who had nothing positive to say
Critical little slices, for each and every day
Knew no news, ‘cept her own little story
Every topic turned to reflect, more of her glory

So I laughed to myself, and moved on

Went on a first date, with a girl who would only have desert
Hard to get a word out, or even a flirt
I kissed her goodbye, in the literal as well
Flipped out in response, to give me hell

So I laughed to myself, and moved on

Chatted for a while, with a girl I was knowing well
But when we met, I had no clue in hell.
She walked right by me, I didn’t know who she was
Till she called my name, and I did as one at meetings does
I shook her hand, thought, “who the hell is this?”
From a picture so different, Jimminy Kris!
We chatted, we talked, dinner was quite good;
twenty year old pictures, might as well be wearing a hood.
Using an old pic, what honest relationship do you seek?
When at last we meet, your self image so weak?
Dishonesty is a turn-off, building foundations have no chance
for any true mates, to persevere through the dance.

So I shook my head, wondering what other shades of gray would you justify, and moved on

A date cancelled our dinner, said come to her house instead
She had been at work all day, and was feeling half dead
I said I understood, did she prefer another night?
But when I got there, I got a mighty fright.
There were so many cats, hair was curling in the air,
food was strewn all over, in this large farmhouse lair
We got a good pizza, watched a movie and talked
At licking fingers from the ice cream carton, I just had to balk
My stomach was turning over, for fresh air I did pine
No thanks, I said, and enough of sweet blackberry flavored wine!
I bid my adieu’s, the hair brushed from my sight,
Disentangled out the door, and slipped into the night

So I fought off the shivers, and moved on

I met a girl at Sully’s, she blew me away
Honest and straightforward, a refreshing spring day
We hit it off well, each date better than the last
“This one at is different”, panoramas so vast
She asked me to fuck her, this I wouldn’t do
Interwoven experiences have to be ingredients in the glue
She railed, she got drunk, she got brazen and she cried
I told her we had too much potential, to just fuck on the side
She tried to throw me out, I held her cooled off to talk
Red flags were crackling, but I wasn’t ready to walk
I had seen flashes of brilliance, of fitting just right
Crying jags came more often, letting her go took all my might
Gentle hands, gentle spirit, but her emotions all asunder
The peaks and the valleys, I never knew when the thunder
I know you need help, how to get help to you?
There’s no way we could survive, when you won’t see it too.

So I steel myself, and move on